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How to Survive An Affair
A Step-by-Step System For Saving Your Relationship After It's Been Shattered By An Affair
"I Wanted To Strangle My
Husband Ray When I Caught
Him Red-Handed In An Affair"
"I Felt So Devastated, Enraged and
Humiliated. I Never Dreamed I Could Save
My Marriage, Let Alone Trust Him Again..."
- Kathie Brown
Wednesday, 11:13 a.m.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg
Dear Friend,
Almost everyone was watching Grandpa open his gifts except the few who saw Ray and Kathy out of the corners of their eyes.
Those who witnessed it were shocked and amazed. Those who heard about it were relieved. Even Kathy's daughter Emma, hidden in the corner of the room, saw it and wrestled back her tears of joy.
As Ray sat alienated in the back, he felt a hand slip softly into his. Looking down, he recognized the fingers he'd known for years laced lovingly through his hand. He glanced up slowly to see Kathy's reassuring face as she gave him a smile.
...And That's When I Knew Ray And Kathy
Were Turning The Corner
No longer was Ray cold and defensive, backed into his corner of isolation. No longer was Kathy feeling emotionally shipwrecked, paralyzed with humiliating images of Ray in the arms of the other woman.
...tormented by her unanswered questions.
....devastated after having her complete self-worth sabotaged.
After only a few weeks, something major was starting to change. Suddenly, talking about the details didn't feel like taking a walk in a minefield. Kathy's emotions were finally starting to be under her control and no longer holding her hostage.
Ray began to open up and communicate with sincerity and humility. He gently allowed her to express the trauma she experienced without arguing or throwing it back in her face (more on Ray and Kathy's story in a second).
At this point, I realized that the consistent methods I have been using for 31 years would work for almost any couple(if at least one of them is willing to start before it is too late).
You see, I'm not going to lie to you.
Restoring Trust After The Affair Might
Sound Like An Empty Promise Or Too
Good To Be True, But It Is Possible
Not only have I seen it, but I've helped people take control by equipping them with a 3-phase system that can restore their relationship with more honesty, safety, and intimacy than before the affair (even if their spouse isn't yet willing).
My name is Dr. Frank Gunzburg. For 15 of my 59 years, I have lived in Baltimore, Maryland with my wife Sandy, our five children, and our six grandchildren. For the most part, I'd say it's been a quiet life, except for one thing.
Over the last 31 years, I've fought in the trenches alongside couples who are desperate to save their marriages after affairs. Some come to me hopeful, some come cold and battle-hardened, and others come alone, uncertain, and praying that I can breath life back into their near-dead relationship.
After three decades of specializing in marriage counseling, I've seen many people give up. I've seen many relationships where the couples put off healing too long and eventually cause irreparable damage.
More importantly, I've seen the majority of my couples overcome what they imagined to be unbeatable odds by restoring their relationship and making it better than before the affair.
Sound hard to believe? Perhaps, but all I ask is that you refrain from disbelieving until I show you proof.
Imagine this... what if I told you that the magic bullet for rebuilding your relationship included one or more of the following ten actions:
- Talking.
- Asking for forgiveness.
- Reading self-help books.
- Praying.
- Sending letters, cards, and flowers.
- Being more attentive.
- Going to counseling.
- Setting boundaries.
- Discussing the details and answering all questions.
- Meeting each other's needs.
You might say I'm right, or you might say you've tried these and many more things and they simply don't work.
In April 2004, right before I finished outlining my affair-healing system, I performed an extensive survey of 300 willing couples who all had one thing in common - a relationship ripped apart by an affair.
In addition to 30 extensive questions, I asked them to list the top 10 things they tried in an attempt to heal their relationship. The list above is the result of this study (with talking leading the pack at 58%).
However, despite all that hard work (including counseling), only 55% were willing to continue the relationship. (Of those who were willing to continue, 71% stayed because of the children.)
Like Kathy, many were ready to call it quits. So, what was the problem?
Successfully repairing your relationship is not about doing a lot of hard work; it's a system. This system is about doing the right things, BUT more importantly, doing them in the right order.
You see, all of the things listed above can be good, but most of the time they are performed in the wrong order.
Let me explain with an example.
Talking About The Details Of The
Affair Can Be The Difference Between
Staying Together And Splitting Up
Fact: Of 1083 married couples surveyed, out of the group who discussed the affair in great detail, 86% remained married. Out of the group who discussed the affair very little, only 55% remained married.
A survey performed by Peggy Vaughan
and the BAN network
When you choose to talk about the details is more important than if you talk about the details.
Here's why: when your spouse drops the bomb of their affair, it's one of the most shocking and devastating experiences you can go through. The mental and physical pain can be too much to bear.
With Kathy, the shock of the news left her emotionally paralyzed.
"After many weeks of lying numb in bed, I tried to get my life back together, but this horrible combination of emotions kept coming up. At first I just felt rage: a kind of anger I have never felt before and pray to God I never feel again.
"Slowly the rage turned into hatred. I wanted to kill him. I mean I really wanted to kill him. I scared myself with the images that ran through my head. I can't tell you how many times I thought about going into the kitchen and getting the butcher knife. It scares me to talk about it even now. I had no idea I was capable of such feelings of violence.
"Eventually I realized these emotions were masking what I really felt deep down inside: betrayed, humiliated, and defeated. What's more, I felt very, very sad. I felt like someone had died, and in a sense, someone had. At the time, I felt like the life I had worked so hard for was dead.
I was the one who had died. My rage and hate were like a shield against these softer emotions. My heart hurt so much I didn't even want to feel. The heart can really break you know. Mine has. I've felt it."
- Kathy Brown
Because of the intense pain you're going through, talking about the details at this stage in the game most likely will only confirm the negative feelings you already have about yourself. This will do nothing to help you cope.
In addition, most couples experience a regression in their relationship after they discuss the details. However, if both of you are emotionally prepared, you'll quickly recover, thus making the experience healthy.
This is why I show you how to talk about the details after I've empowered you to take control over your emotions in the first phase of my 3-phase healing system.
Three Specific Phases For Restoring
The Trust Back Into Your Relationship
Many say time can be a great healer; however, when left without a map, most people usually get lost and drift further apart.
As much as time has the ability to heal, it can also have a negative impact. Letting your emotions run wild and doing the wrong things over and over can eventually disable you and kill your chances at surviving the affair.
For months, Kathy bought Ray gifts, tried being nice, hid her anger, convinced him to set boundaries, and even encouraged him to talk through the details.
Despite her hard work, every time they would try to talk they would tailspin out of control. When they sat down to work things out, emotions would ignite and they would either engage in a ruthless argument or simply shut each other out.
For example, Kathy would try to force Ray to share the details, but every time he would she would burst into tears and eventually start yelling. (Every time they sat down to talk, Ray became more and more reserved because he feared going through the same emotional roller coaster - he simply shut her out.)
Also, Ray was trying to move on in the relationship before understanding what drove him to have an affair in the first place. (Telling Kathy that she needed to "get over it" was like trying to hammer a bent nail into the wall- it would never work.)
Kathy bought all the main-stream marriage books, watched the talk shows, and even bought a few marriage videos. She tried almost everything they suggested, but still felt disconnected, hopeless, and frustrated. Once she stumbled onto my information, one night while searching the Internet, she was almost without hope.
After listening to her for 20 minutes, I told her the following 3 things with which she and Ray needed help:
- Kathy needed help taking control of her turbulent emotions, fighting off negative thoughts and restoring her self-worth so she could functionally communicate her pain to Ray. (Without believing the lie that it was her fault and drowning in a pool of self-hatred.)
- Ray needed help uncovering the reasons why he had the affair and understanding the pain Kathy was going through so he could give her an opportunity to heal and forgive him. (Knowing this information would prevent it from happening again.)
- Ray and Kathy needed help working together through the 10 dimensions of their relationship to slowly, but permanently, rebuild the trust in order to affair-proof their marriage.
I explain the solution as three separate issues because that's the way I look at the relationship after an affair (the injured, the person who cheated, and the relationship). Both the injured and the cheater need to sort out specific issues before they can begin to work on the "relationship."
Because of the trauma and alienation that an affair brings, it is unrealistic to assume you can work together right away. First, they need to work alone and sort through all of the emotional weights (Phase I). Once they are ready, they will start working together (Phase II).
Working through the emotional turmoil first is crucial because it helps the couple avoid starting World War III and making matters worse.
"...your program describes exactly what should be done."
"I think you hit the nail on the head when you said to sort through your emotions instead of asking questions about the affair. I think people don't know what to do when they are so numb from finding out, but your program describes exactly what should be done."
Kristin Slagle
Milner, GA
This is why my system is unique; many other programs require couples to start together right out of the gate. I help you start healing your marriage even if your spouse isn't willing yet.
What You Can DO To Save Your Relationship
To repair your relationship you need to follow a sequence. I call it a sequence because healing your relationship is about building on success after success. As a matter of fact, that is how I came up with my system.
After spending years watching couples go back and forth, I started to see patterns (certain methods that worked to bring a couple closer together).
Over time, I started writing down what worked, and I continued testing these patterns until they became rules.
This is what makes my information different than many of the infidelity books on the market. While there are many good books that offer great information for understanding how you feel, they do not carefully organize that information into phases that help you, your partner, and then both of you work things out.
They simply expect you to figure it out with trial and error. That's why books don't heal marriages. But systems do.
"...you give a true road map and plan on how to deal with this situation."
"I have looked at a lot of books in the bookstores, but I find that they are too theoretical. You get right to the meat of the whole thing... you don't have to read a bunch of preliminary stuff. When you are in this situation, you want to get right to the point and you have. Well done!
I think you give a true road map and plan on how to deal with this situation. I think most people, after they get over the shock,still want to save their marriage, but they need to know how to go about it."
Wayne Hansen
Vancouver, BC, Canada
That is why I spent that last 18 months organizing all of my methods and documenting them into a step-by-step system that you can use to restore yourself and then rebuild your relationship.
It's called...
How to Survive an Affair: A Step-by-Step System
for Saving Your Relationship after It's Been
Shattered by an Affair
Here's what you need to do right now.
In order to repair the trust, you will work through three phases. Each phase corresponds directly to a specific part of the healing process.
There is no time limit; you can move at the pace that serves you, no matter where you are (months or years into the healing process). I've had several people come to me after years of knowing about the affair and start at the beginning. (They received benefits they never imagined.)
"...we're talking and laughing."
"I am able to converse with my partner in a more positive respectful manner. I am able to laugh. I am being myself; we're talking and laughing; simple things are pleasurable again. On Sunday, we actually had dinner in the park and spent three hours just sitting and chatting away. This could NEVER happen as recently as two weeks ago. By just following the steps you have mentioned, I have regained some control of 'our' life without even demanding it. I know I've got a lot of work and a long and perhaps difficult road ahead, but I know that if I keep practicing, I'll make it."
Nicole A.
Brooklyn, NY
Here are the three phases that I cover inside my program.
Phase I: Individual Healing - Understanding
Personal Feelings and Sorting Through Your Emotions
Phase I is all about you (both the injured and the cheater).
After the affair, your first instinct might be to look for reasons why the affair happened. You want to know the details of the affairs. You want to know why your loved one did what they did. You want to know if you will ever be able to trust your partner again.
This is what I call "externalizing." Externalizing means you are looking outside of yourself for answers to emotional issues that are happening within you. You might do this because you believe that finding the "reason" will help you heal.
This isn't the best path to take. What you need to do is try to come to terms with your own emotions (and that is the first step I lead you through).
It is only after this is achieved that you can engage with your partner without doing additional harm to your relationship.
How To Manage Your Emotions When
You've Been Injured By An Affair
If you just found out about the affair within the last few months, your mind is spinning and flooded with intense emotions.
The first thing I will do is empower you with the mental techniques to take control of the emotions that are fighting to take control of you. You'll learn how to manage the following emotions:
- Jealousy
- Uncertainty
- Shame
- Loss of hope
- Betrayal
- Guilt
- Disappointment
- Anger
- Vengefulness
- Fear
- Frustration
- Paranoia
- And many more
I've never met anyone who hasn't experienced these emotions after an affair. You are definately not alone. Once you feel them, you can either stuff them down or learn how to process them. Left alone, they will only make you calloused.
This is why, on Page 38 of Section 1, I take you by the hand and teach you how to process the Eight Heart-Wrenching Emotions. By the time you're through, you will learn how to get these overwhelming emotions under control.
In addition, over the course of my 30-year career, I have categorized the most common trials and questions you will have at this time.
I'll help you resolve the Nine Shockwaves: The Nine Most Common Questions You Will Struggle with When You First Find Out ...
"You really seem to understand how painful it is."
"The nine shockwaves you wrote about are exactly the way I feel. I am experiencing the four roadblocks to healing. It really helped me to see in writing that I am not going crazy or feeling things I am not supposed to feel. You really seem to understand how painful it is."
Georgette Blemker
Fort Wayne, IN
I'll also help you hurdle over The Four Roadblocks to Healing: Four Monstrous Emotions that Need to Be Faced and Dealt with As Soon As They Appear.
Discovering how to work through these intense feelings will help you feel normal again and will allow you to concentrate. These skills will be priceless to you over the next few months because they will be the anchor that helps you conquer your insecure thoughts.
When you're done with Section 1, you will have a strong handle on your emotions. Not only will you understand what you're feeling and why you're feeling it, but you'll also uncover the following techniques:
- How to stop the raging and screaming before it starts. (This step-by-step strategy will motivate your spouse to listen and validate your feelings instead of shutting you down and telling you it's "your fault".) Page 22
- Why your physical pain, anxiety attacks and crippling depression does not mean you're going crazy. (This simple 4-step process will help you dispel the all-to common paranoia before it leaves you shattered in millions of pieces.) Page 35
- The 12 most critical questions you'll wrestle with immediately after you discover the affair. (Working through these questions in this specific order will help you sleep better and free you from the circus of disorientating thoughts.) Page 22
- Why the affair is not your fault. (5 steps for clearing your mind and protecting yourself from becoming sucked into a black hole of shame and negative thinking.) Page 29
- How to free yourself from the violent thoughts that make you scared to death you're turning into a crazed psychopath. (7 techniques for cooling your natural desire to take out revenge.) Page 33
- Six exercises you can do right now when the pain of the affair is so strong it feels like you have a gall stone. (How performing this one simple breathing exercise will quickly calm you as soon as you start to hyper ventilate.) Page 38
After you start to understand and control your emotions, the next step will be to help you recover from the plague of negative thoughts.
How To Get The Images And
Negative Thoughts Out Of Your Mind
Many people come to me terrified that they are going crazy and haunted with the following:
- How to get the images out of their mind.
- Whether the lover was better than them.
- What they could have done to prevent the affair.
- Wondering if their spouse loves the other person more than them.
- Feelings of paranoia, worthlessness, and insecurity.
All these feelings are normal and to be expected. When the rug is pulled out from under you, it affects your ability to see things clearly. That is why this section will help you take hold of reality.
Using my 3-Step Program for Clearing Your Mind And Owning Your Thoughts will specifically benefit you when you are suffocating from obsessive images.
How to erase the images out of your mind. (This age-old, 3-step technique, which I adapted from the core of cognitive therapy, helps to rescue people who become shipwrecked from all forms of negative and debilitative thinking.) Page 53
Another major hurdle we'll jump over is rebuilding your self-confidence. Most likely, you are assuming some personal responsibility for the affair; as a result, you're questioning your self-worth.
This, again, is a very normal response to an affair. That is why I will help you regain what you lost in the course of this tragic time. Not only will my Seven Keys to Unlocking Love and Respect help get you out of the rut, these 7 keys will help you start walking confidently again.
How to rebuild your self-confidence, self-respect, and self-trust. (These Seven keys will help you permanently take control of the hostile waves of insecure thoughts, feelings, and imaginations.) Page 57
As you can imagine, the injured is not the only one who is hurting at this time. Before we move into the second phase of the system, it is imperative that we spend equal time helping the cheating partner cope with their issues.
How To Restore Trust With Your Partner If
You're The One Who Cheated
After you commit adultery and expose the news to your partner, there are many legitimate issues you need work through before you can hope to restore trust.
Again, this will not be an overnight process, but if you follow what I say consistently, your partner will eventually warm up to you.
In addition to coping with your feelings of guilt, shame, and hopelessness, you might also be dealing with the emotions directly tied with the affair. These feelings could include withdrawal, which can be intensified by the day-to-day hassles of dealing with the lover and responding to your partner's questions about them.
If you have not broken away from the paramour, you will have to do so in order to continue working on your relationship. We will deal with each of the emotional aspects of cutting ties and what to do if the paramour doesn't want to cut ties with you.
You'll learn the following strategies:
- What to do if the affair meets your needs more than your marriage. (How to communicate what was missing without crushing your spouse or making them resent you.) Page 84
- How to permanently break off the relationship with the lover. (Six critical guidelines for terminating the affair and getting a fresh start.) Page 78
- What to do if the ex-lover won't leave you alone. (Four ways to cut-off off all contact and communication with the paramour.) Page 79
- How to rid yourself from the major withdrawals of the affair. (Why being in an affair is no different than being addicted to a drug and how to come clean.) Page 83
"I wish I could have read this before I tried to go back to my lover."
"I wish I could have read this before I tried to go back to my lover. This time it is over, and I have cut all contact. My husband has forgiven me, and I will work on rebuilding my marriage. We are both working on it together and spending quality time together. I have moved on from the affair and now concentrate on the good things in my marriage. Your information is so valuable to me and spot on. Thank you."
Mandy Horeld
Brisbane, Queensland
Like the injured, you will experience strong emotions that could result in intense mental and physical pain. Working through these in sequence will help you process the pain and rebuild the relationship. The reason why is because many of the emotions you will experience could be tied to why you had the affair in the first place (which we will uncover in Section 4).
Before we can begin to unravel the complex source of the problem, it is crucial that we start reconstructing some element of trust.
After learning about your affair, the injured starts to question what is true and what is a lie. At this moment, for the injured, everything is questionable; being transparent is the only way you'll rebuild trust.
At this stage in the game, you will start to see the world from your partner's perspective and begin to understand how your actions affect their sense of safety. Knowing this information will help you build new levels of security through transparency and reassurance.
"...gave me a better perspective on the type of emotions my mate is going through."
"Being that I am the one who did the injury to my mate, I don't know the "real" impact of my actions. Reading the sections written for the injured person gave me a better idea of the type of emotions my mate is going through and how I can help him work through his healing."
Dora Toulon
Brooklyn, NY
Before you start opening up every door, I need to provide several guidelines, including The Five Pitfalls to Developing Transparency and the following:
- How to dispel the rejection from your spouse when they give you the cold shoulder. (What to do and say when your spouse starts throwing daggers.) Page 67
- How to live a normal life without arousing suspicion. (5 transparent ways to reassure your spouse that you're not sneaking around or lying to them.) Page 85
- What to do when it feels like your spouse will never trust you again. (Uncover what your spouse is feeling and what it is they actually want, but aren't telling you.) Page 91
"...I am being more transparent."
"After my affair, you taught me how to have a new level of accountability with my wife, and I am being more transparent with her."
Tom Sanders
Ashville, AL
Now that you have taken the time to look inside yourself and taken control of the emotional impact of the affair, you are ready to start working with your partner.
Phase II: Healing As a Couple -
Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues
This component of the system focuses largely on helping you establish a healthy way to communicate with your partner. I show you how you can achieve this, as well as how to approach forgiveness, how to decide when you should talk about the affair, and how to start learning ways to protect your relationship from further harm.
During Phase II, you and your partner will uncover many important issues, but the number one thing we will establish is...
A Step-by-Step Program For Effectively
Communicating Without Making Matters Worse
Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotionally sucked into the discussion and destroying any positive groundwork they've built.
That is why I spend time helping you manage your emotions and teaching you how to see things from the other person's perspective in Phase I. Without that foundation, working through Phase II would be fruitless and do more harm than good.
After you've laid the groundwork in Phase I, Sections 4-6 will help you move towards forgiveness and get your ship sailing in the right direction.
It's during this phase that you will start uncovering why the affair happened and where there are problem areas in your relationship. Once you know this information, you will begin talking about them and solving them in Sections 5-6.
Talking for the two of you will be the main component of Phase II. Because you have dealt with the majority of your emotions, discussing the details or relational issues will not be so taxing. The injured partner will not take the details so personally and the cheating partner will be much more sensitive and choose their words very carefully.
At this point, the two of you will sit down and go through my system to uncover:
- Why the affair happened. (A step-by-step strategy to open up your relationship and look inside with complete honesty.) Page 94
- Why cheaters cheat. (Understanding this one point could keep your spouse from cheating again.) Page 96
- What was missing in your relationship. (Uncover your primary needs and more importantly, what your spouse needs.) Page 99
- How to get what you want out of your relationship without dragging your spouse kicking and screaming. (Implementing these 10 critical dimensions will help to affair-proof your relationship.) Page 103
- What to do when you both see red and neither party is willing to back down. (Discover my 3-step method for coming into agreement and solving almost any problem before it splits you farther apart.) Page 118
"...step-by-step directions for re-connecting after 36 years of marriage."
"After the trauma of my husband's betrayal, you gave me hope with a concrete action plan that helped to provide the best atmosphere for a successful new relationship. I appreciate what you have done to give us clear, step-by-step directions for reconnecting after 36 years of marriage. What seems like an impossible task was broken down into, "do this FIRST," then, "do this NEXT," and keeps building on successes. Thanks a lot."
Colleen Talley
Topeka, KS
- How to protect your relationship from getting any worse. (Carefully avoiding these four destructive minefields will accelerate the reconstruction of your relationship by helping you gain new ground instead of managing existing problems.) Page 128
- How to ask for forgiveness. (This is the #1 thing your partner wants before they accept your apology.) Page 137
- How to talk through the details of the affair. (Use these five guidelines to move through the discussion, as well as the things you should avoid at all costs.) Page 148
- How to enjoy talking again. (Implement my 8-step program for developing communication that leads to a happy, healthy relationship after the affair.) Page 154
"I loved your detailed steps describing how to apologize."
"I loved your detailed steps describing how to apologize and what an apology really is. I gained information about how to treat my spouse. I learned to live by the rule that if I wouldn't yell at him in church, I should not yell at him at home, no matter how angry I am."
Trudy
Albuquerque, NM
- How to get your spouse to accept what you say without accusing you of lying. (Learn how you can repair the damage that was done from repetitive lying.) Page 158
- How to end a conversation before it becomes too hurtful. (Avoid these 10 destructive habits that demolish trust and destroy love.) Page 173
- How to warm up the lines of communication when they've been frozen for so long. (This 2-stage method will open up your spouse, even if they are guarded tighter than Fort Knox.) Page 160
After Phase II, you will see a very big transformational change. There will be a stronger commitment to your relationship, a feeling of honesty when you communicate, and a new sense of intimacy, respect, and appreciation for each other.
It is as this point that you will both want to start trusting each other again. You will simply need to know how to do it.
Unfortunately, I speak to people who have been in counseling for years and have never learned what I am about to teach you in Phase III. These are the critical steps for helping rekindle a couple's flame and solidify a new trusting relationship.
These are the techniques that will help you get the love back by learning how to rebuild a brand new trust-filled relationship.
This is going to be by far the most fulfilling experience of the system.
Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship -
Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain
A New Trust-filled Partnership
It is at this stage that you will notice more emotional predictability and truthfulness.
With my Five Building Blocks for a Totally Transparent Relationship, your relationship will begin to flourish with the following qualities:
- Reassurance
- Attention
- Caring
- Support
- Stability
You will ease into the process of giving your faith back to your partner using the following techniques:
- How to know you can trust your spouse again without being taken for a fool. (Learn the five forms of trust, as well as which ones you can give and which ones you can hold back without harming your relationship.) Page 192
- How you can know when it's time to trust your spouse again. (Identify some sure signs that you are crossing the bridge and moving forward.) Page 212
After you start feeling emotionally connected again, you will begin the physical aspect of your relationship. Intimacy will expand past talking and move slowly back into sex. I will show you how to get past all the mental hurdles and enjoy being with each other again with the following:
- How to have sex again. (Learn how you can feel comfortable with each again without being consumed by thoughts of the affair or images of the other person.) Page 230
"...you really hit the nail on the head."
Your section on creating a transparent relationship is fantastic. A couple I have been working with was stuck and still at risk of losing their relationship until now. Your written words spoke so clearly and straight to the point that he now understands what is needed (and why!), and she is feeling empowered at having read the words to what she was feeling. They feel that you "really hit the nail on the head," and so do I. This is a must-read!"
Sharon Shenker, Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Family-Relationship Coach and founder
Director of Divorce Support PLUS,
www.divorcesupportplus.ca
514-487-5577
"Your information is like a revolution!"
"Your information is like a revolution! Every day the trust in my marriage builds more and more! I really like the steps to rebuilding trust.this is hard to do, but your steps make it easier."
Sylvia Williams
Houston, TX
"...I feel more secure and I feel that I can begin to trust him again."
"Building trust has been the biggest challenge for us; at times it appeared to be impossible. The tips you provided have been great because it has made my spouse understand my feelings and needs better, and I feel more secure and I feel that I can begin to trust him again. Thanks!"
Lylla Childress
Cary, NY
As you can see, I have not only put a lot of time into my system, but I have put my life into it.
I could have simply written a book and published it, most likely selling thousands of copies at amazon.com and Barnes & Noble. If I wanted to do that, I would have done the same thing every other Ph.D. with my experience has done:
- Get an agent.
- Sign a book contract.
- Write a book.
But I didn't want to write a book, because books don't save marriages. And that's the difference with my system.
It's designed to be a system of steps that helps you focus on doing the right things in the right order to save your relationship as opposed to figuring it out on your own.
I've done this because I care. I care because I, too, know what it's like to be hurt from a divorce. Sandy and I have been happily married for over 25 years (January 19th, 1980), but several years before I met her, I was married and went through a very painful divorce.
There was no infidelity in our relationship, but after going through that painful experience, I dedicated myself, my life, to understanding how to help married couples.
You see, I'm not unique, but I am a minority. Many counselors will make no commitment in your relationship. For many mainstream counselors, they see success even if you get a divorce.
That is not me!
I am pro-marriage and I will do every thing I can to help you survive, especially through something as terrible as an affair.
As you can see, if you want to take control of your emotions, have the pain and sadness disappear, and get your relationship back, then the first step is up to you.
Here's What You Need To Do RIGHT NOW To Take
Control Of The Future Of Your Relationship And
Restore The Safety, Honesty, and Intimacy
I divided my step-by-step affair healing system into three phases. These three phases are separated into a total of 10 sections.
However, I don't want you to think about all 10 sections. I only want you to think about one. Today I want you to get started with Section 1, entitled My Spouse Had an Affair - How to Manage Your Emotions.
If you're the one who cheated, then I want you to go to Section 3, entitled The Cheating Partner - How to Cope with Your Emotions and Restore Trust with Your Partner.
It will only take you 30 minutes to go through your first section, but it will save you months, if not years, of continued grief, sorrow, and anxiety.
I'm only asking you to take this one step at a time and let me prove to you that I can help you. I'm not asking you to trust me, I'm asking you to give me 30 minutes and put me to the test.
If I don't help you regain your sense of control and worthiness, if I don't give you hope and peace of mind and faith that you can get your life back, then you've only spent 30 minutes.
But if I do help you then you'll gain a new life and a new relationship.
Now Is The Time To Get Started
But before you do, I want to share a story. Remember Ray and Kathy? Remember all the pain that they went through? Remember how Kathy was ready to throw up her hands and give up because nothing ever worked?
Read what Ray had to write about his relationship with Kathy. (I'll take you through their complete healing process inside my system.)
"There was a point at which both of us knew things were getting better. It took me learning to be so transparent that Kathy could have no question about my loyalty to our relationship. It took lots of conversations. It took time. But eventually, we got there.
"And once we got there, we never wanted to give it up again. Through the course of our conversations, I learned a whole new side of Kathy. It was like I fell in love with her all over again. I never wanted to lose that, or even be in danger of losing that, for the rest of my life.
"I truly changed over the course of this whole ordeal. I think Kathy saw that. I think that helped her trust me again and believe that I wanted to make this relationship work more than anything. I knew, perhaps for the first time, that where I wanted to be was with Kathy.
"I wanted us to keep moving forward, to keep learning more and more about one another, and to continue to deepen our relationship. I was so afraid that we might 'fall off the wagon' and relapse to an earlier version of our relationship.
"What I figured out eventually was that we could keep moving forward as long as we continued to practice the techniques we had already learned, confronted problems when they arose instead of letting them stew, and continued to grow both separately and together. It's all about stability. When I figured that out I felt like I found home and I never had to give it up again."
- Ray Brown
How You Can Make Ray And Kathy's Story Your Story
Because you have come this far and are ready to experience the same benefits as Ray and Kathy and all the other people I've helped (see my list of hundreds of real people who have saved their marriage with my system), I want to show you what I am going to provide to help you.
After you invest in your relationship and order my system today (you can download it in less than 3 minutes) you will receive:
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How to Survive an Affair: A Step-by-Step System for Saving Your Relationship after It's Been Shattered by an Affair
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My complete 30-year comprehensive step-by-step system, designed to help you work through the healing and restoration of your relationship after an affair.
Phase I: Individual Healing - Understanding Personal Feelings and Sorting through Emotions
- Take control of the paralyzing emotions.
- Regain your sense of stability and get rid of the images.
- Eliminate the paranoia and restore your self-confidence.
- Cut-off the affair and move back to your spouse.
- Replace the lies with truth and start over.
- Understand why the affair happened.
- Uncover what was missing and how to add it.
Phase II: Healing As a Couple - Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues
- Accelerate the healing process: Protect your relationship from further harm.
- Discover how to talk about the details.
- Transform your relationship with a heart-felt apology.
- Generate new honest communication.
- Ignite a renewed life-long commitment.
- Capture peace of mind with true forgiveness.
Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship - Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New Trust-filled Partnership
- Eliminate the suspicion with complete transparency.
- Restore your sex life without haunting visions.
- Affair-proof your marriage for life.
- Develop lasting safety, honesty and intimacy.
- Accept the past without being tormented
What Will It Cost Me To Get Started?
It's impossible to put a dollar value on a renewed life full of stability, security and a new relationship full of peace and trust.
However, the older I get, the more I am trying to plan for the day I can retire BUT continue to help people. Because I can't counsel forever, my goal in life is to empower you to heal yourself. Therefore, if the last thing I do is perfect a system that empowers a couple to restore their trust in a loving safe environment, then I will live on in peace.
Now on to price... If I were to go through all the information with you personally in as much detail as I do in my system, it would take me close to 10 sessions just to outline the basics. Because of my experience and track record, I charge a rate of $260.00 per hour. So at a minimum, in my office I would have to charge you $2600.00.
Not to mention, if you and your spouse were to go see any counselor with a PhD, you would spend a minimum of $195 for 1 hour and probably only scratch the surface in that first hour. It's also fair to say that not many counselors have a step-by-step system for helping couples repair their marriage after an affair. However, I specialize in affairs.
Very few people can afford to spend $2600.00 on counseling (not to mention they might not be dealing with a willing spouse) and that is why I am NOT going to ask anywhere close to that number. As a matter of fact, I am going to provide my complete system for a fraction of the cost of one hour with me.
Now You Can Receive My
Comprehensive System For Only $147
In addition to my comprehensive system, I want to make one promise to you today in case you still have doubts whether my system will help you. Because you are taking the time to invest in my system, I want to give this very important promise:
100% Money-Back Guarantee
"If my system does not work for you, then I want you to call me or e-mail me, and I will refund your money."
- If you don't experience a softening in your relationship
- If your unwilling spouse does not become willing
- If you don't resolve your emotions
- If you cannot restore the trust back into your relationship
Then I want you to e-mail me and I will refund 100% of your money.
That's right. If you don't resolve all the issues that I listed within at least six months, then I will gladly refund all of your money.
In addition to that, because this program is a download-only program, I will let you keep everything I sent you. If that does not prove how passionate I am, then nothing will.
(The reason I make my guarantee so strong is because I want you to know how committed I am to helping you.)
2 Special Bonus Reports I just Released
There's one more very important thing you need to know.
Last week, after surveying several people who bought my system, I learned some very sad news.
I wanted to know how long ago they found out about the affair. Out of the group, almost 16% found out about the affair within the last 7 days, with close to 40% learning the sad news within the last 30 days.
Immediately after I learned this information, I spent the next five days updating my system, and I wrote two new reports that I will give to you for free because you are buying today.
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